While I sometimes recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to certain individuals I work with, there are layers of complexity—perhaps not addressed in the book—specific to the experiences of adult children of immigrants. No doubt resources are more democratized now than ever (books, videos, podcasts, social media etc) where you may have found affirming language for your experiences. Trauma-informed, culturally- and racially-responsive therapy can offer tailored support and nuanced perspectives for your particular circumstances.
You might feel a hundred contradictory ways towards your immigrant parents. In relation to yourself. As well as with others. Conflicting feelings may keep you feeling divided. Never feeling at ease, calm or whole.
Generational Conflicts, Gaps and Tensions
Part of the journey in therapy can be a process of learning to see your immigrant parents, however imperfect they are, and were. Sometimes anger and grief interfere with seeing them as human beings, flaws and all. Honestly, their behaviors may not help: defensiveness, not wanting to admit wrongdoing, externalizing blame and not taking responsibility etc.
Whatever they’ve gone through, they may not have had the space and time to reflect enough to do anything different than what they knew. They have their limitations! Often authoritarian parenting and education are the experiences immigrant parents had to draw upon, which they then use with you. Growing up in a country totally different from where they came from, often your immigrant parents’ logic, aphorisms and attempts to offer teachable moments don’t translate. Their ways seem extreme. Off the mark. They might outright reject how you’re “too American.” They just don’t get the social and cultural contexts you’ve been trying to navigate. And, they might be holding on with dear life to what they once knew…
The promise of the American Dream your parents may have had, in reality may have resulted in trading one set of stressors for another. While their sacrifices may have been seeking opportunities for all of you, your parents may not have anticipated the ongoing stressors of racism, discrimination and the long-lasting impacts of what they left behind.
Polarities of Being an Adult Child of Immigrant Parents
Supporting individuals of many different backgrounds over the years, I’ve noticed extremes. Perhaps you don’t really know what you want, or what brings you a sense of meaning and purpose. That is, if you weren’t trying to please your parents, follow duty or a sense of obligation etc. Do your immigrant parents still act as if they are the authorities over your life? Inadvertently, such behaviors may interfere with your development into a fully independent adult. Maybe your immigrant parent(s) feel intrusive and demanding, adding more stress to the realities of adult life, which in the greater NYC area can be a lot.
On the other end of the spectrum, maybe for various reasons you had to grow up too fast. You took on responsibilities for yourself and others early in life. You learned not to rely on your parents, and became overly independent. Such adaptations often are a response to immigrant parents not understanding their children’s lives growing up in the US—even less so as adults. Maybe they may remain distant, or withdrawn. They may be at a loss for how to connect with you. You may tolerate certain ways of relating to one another, but you feel like you’re just going through the motions. Worse, walking on eggshells, and on edge. Definitely not yourself. Likely these patterns are not new.
Maybe you have one parent on each end of the spectrum. Or one parent that fluctuates between the two extremes depending on the moment. Probably there are variations in between. Either way, layers of complexity can create inner turmoil, anxiety and depression. All hard to resolve on your own.
Common Stressors for Adult Children of Immigrants Across the Lifespan
Such family dynamics can play out through different phases and stages of your life. Maybe you’re considering starting a family. Oh my, you hope to sort out some things with yourself before you have kids of your own. Or, you may not even know whether you want children. Perhaps you’re navigating challenging dynamics with your parents, while also being a new parent! You may wonder how they’re so different as grandparents, certainly not how they were when you were a kid…
You may also worry about care for your aging parents. It can be extremely stressful when your parents are getting older, and still want to maintain a sense of control. Yet, they may have health issues, suffer from various conditions, and their abilities are declining. This is when it’s most appropriate for roles to reverse, and can be a really tough transition for all.
How do you balance a sense of duty, perceived expectations, or better yet what you define as your obligation to immigrant parents, along with honoring your authentic desires and needs as an adult?
Recommended:
Bad Bad Girl by Jish Gen
They Called Us Exceptional by Prachi Gupta
Patterns That Remain by Stacey Diane Arañez Litam, PhD
Drama Free by Nedra Glover Tawwab