What is trauma-related shame?
Traumatic shame tends to focus on identity: there must be something wrong with me. An intensely painful emotion where you believe that you are the problem.
Such a conclusion is common among children who did not get the appropriate support and attuned responses from caregivers as well as from their environment growing up. Then, they carry such thoughts and beliefs into adulthood.
Traumatic shame may appear in statements such as:
- “I must be broken.”
- “It’s my fault.”
- “Nobody understands me.”
- “I don’t deserve… “
- “I am unworthy.”
You may be utterly convinced that such thoughts are the truth about you. In short, distorted thoughts and beliefs about yourself are often deeply connected to traumatic experiences, sometimes long after the original danger has passed. Therefore, trauma can change the way you see the world, others, and yourself. Experiencing shame—especially over prolonged periods of time—can be so debilitating, pervasive and reinforce a distorted, negative sense of self. Yet, you may not realize how inaccurate the shame-based interpretations are.
How shame can complicate trauma recovery
Experiencing chronic shame can make recovery much harder. Many individuals I support often report habits of isolating or withdrawing, a common response to feeling shame. When you develop strategies of minimizing, pretending none of it happened, and blocking it out of your mind… Of course, you would not want to tell someone. Not wanting to talk about… is a frequent indicator of shame, which I see in both individuals I work with and hear about in their families of origin.
In part because the shame can feel so oppressive, many avoid therapy. Some do not imagine a way out of shame, do not feel like they are deserving of support and continue with a brute-force style of self-talk, “just get over it.”
Common signs of shame after trauma
- Avoidance
- Feeling disconnected from yourself
- Perfectionism
- Social withdrawal and isolation
- Harsh self-criticisms/inner critic
- Difficulties accepting kindness or support
- Sustaining relationships can be challenging
- Chronically judging, criticizing and feeling negatively towards others
Both shame and trauma result from inadequate support
Understanding the connection between shame and trauma can be an important step toward healing. Events you experienced may have been overwhelming for you and your nervous system. To be clear: not a personal failure. Rather, a failure on the part of people and systems in your environment to adequately support you.
Healing often involves developing a safer relationship with yourself, understanding trauma responses, challenging unfair self-blame, and finding appropriate support.
More on healthy shame (coming soon)
How integrative Somatic Therapy with Michele L. Kong will support you to feel relief from traumatic shame
Shame as a transmission of trauma can contribute to feeling stuck. Defeated. Like you want to give up, or have given up on yourself. In the body, shame can manifest in a variety of different forms. When slowly explored, gentle support can help peel away such enclosing layers.
- Learn to gain distance and perspective from shame
- Distinguish survival responses vs shame
- Identify and sort responsibility
- Differentiate guilt from shame
- Develop greater self-compassion
- Reconnect with your inner compass
- Rebuild connections that feel safer and supportive
- Explore regrets, take learnings forward from hindsight
Healing often involves developing a safer relationship with yourself, understanding trauma responses, challenging unwarranted self-blame, and finding connections in your life who you can turn to for support.