People-pleasing at first glance may seem altruistic, well-meaning, kind etc. It’s likely a habit you learned a long time ago, and may be an underlying source of stress.
Wishing to please others generally may not be problematic. However, if people-pleasing habits are a way to seek external validation, then you may struggle with low self-esteem. If people-pleasing behaviors are essentially the only way you seem to know how to interact with others, chronic people-pleasing may be a sign of disconnection from yourself.
Tired of being a people-pleaser?
- I often put others first, before myself
- I feel drained always helping others
- I can’t say no to people
- I feel responsible for others’ emotions
- I am afraid of disappointing others
- I feel resentful
- I am excessively apologetic
- I feel like I’m never enough somehow
Many individuals I work with have grown up adapting to their environments by dismissing and denying their own needs. Unfortunately, you may have been taught from an early age that the needs of others were more of a priority. Common in immigrant households, and how many women have been raised. There are so many factors that contribute to such behaviors. To boil it all down to one emotion: it’s fear.
People Pleasing: Fawning, Appeasing, Tending and Befriending
It’s natural for young children to feel the effects of others’ emotions. A little one may not like to see an upset grown up. Many individuals I work with—BIPOC and adults raised by immigrants—felt the stressors their parents were struggling with, whether or not they fully understood all the details, as they were growing up. Often parents didn’t know any better to hold emotional boundaries, and shield their children. So then you likely learned to tend to their feelings. Seeing the grown ups happy again, or at least not displeased, contributes to the little one feeling safer. Over time, that becomes the pattern of relating to others.
Many I support—whether adult children of immigrants, survivors of childhood trauma, if not both—learned to over-index into their caregiver’s moods, thoughts, expectations etc. Anticipating, being helpful, staying out of the way, making yourself small… Not challenging authority figures. Not even protecting yourself in the face of harm. All sorts of people pleasing strategies allowed you to get through it all somehow, or attempt to feel safer.
No matter how paradoxical—whether you call it fawning, tending and befriending, submission or appeasement—are survival responses where your nervous system thrusts you into action. You may feel anxious and experience racing thoughts. All you can focus on is the other person, or what you perceive as their expectations. Your survival energy is channeled towards reducing them as a threat to you, where the threat you perceive is their anger, disappointment, displeasure, unhappiness etc.
How does perfectionism play a role in people-pleasing?
You always show up. Keep your word. Everyone can always count on you. Underlying the veneer of perfectionism is your difficulty expressing your needs. You may not ever want to let someone down. Struggle to say no. You over-extend yourself. You don’t cancel when you realize you should, and would rather suffer through than negotiate a new plan. Though it may seem like you’re aiming to appear perfect in others’ eyes, you’re also putting yourself last.
Maybe that’s just what you saw your parents do growing up. Especially mothers have modelled self-sacrifice as a virtue. On one hand, there may be unconscious martyrdom. On the other, it can be a kind of self-abandonment and even self-harm.
Somatic Therapist Michele L. Kong will support you to reduce people-pleasing and perfectionism
- Learn to re-center and prioritize your own needs
- Shift out of fearful patterns and embrace a growth mindset
- Live with a greater sense of safety by caring for yourself and setting healthy boundaries from a place of compassion
- Cultivate more fulfilling and enjoyable relationships
- Better manage chronic stress patterns to free you up for more JOY
